No one can argue that there is a lot wrong with our society today. Crime is rising, education is declining, income is generally down and debt is up, drug abuse and addictions of all sorts are rampant. As a whole, we have more things, and yet we are more unhappy and lonely than ever.
There is a case to be made for the cause of all of this being the breakdown of the family unit. As one who has come from divorced parents, swore she would never do that to her own children and gone through it herself I am not preaching. I can, however look back with the 20/20 hindsight vision and see what went wrong without blame, just as an observer.
Without going into all of my unpleasant personal details I will just say that the bottom line was family relationships. If a child grows up in a family that knows each other-and I mean really knows, meaning has significant conversations with them daily, that child feels secure. Sure most of us love our family members. But do we like them? Do we understand why they act the way they do? Do we know what makes them happy? Do we know what keeps them up at night? Do we know the kind of people they hang out with? Sadly, I would dare say rarely.
A child who grows up in a family who sends them to a sitter everyday will statistically speaking spend more time with that sitter than his own parents. After a child enters school, he will spend more time in school than with his family. And then at home how is that precious time spent? On the TV, video games, texting, doing homework?
A child from birth all the way through adolescence needs to feel secure, loved, needed, valued and understood. I dont see how this can happen in the typical family of our time. So many psychology studies and statistics show that if a child does not get those basic needs such as structure, discipline, attention and love in a way they can feel and understand it, they will continue to search for it throughout life. This may mean through drugs, sex, friends who dont have their best interests at heart, etc.
Im not even going to get into all of the repercussions of having parents who are addicts or abusive here! I will just state that they probably became that way because of the hurt they felt throughout childhood and havent resolved.
So, with this in mind, what is the cause of the lack of family closeness and what can we do about it? Blaming our parents the trend of the 90s sure hasnt accomplished much. I like to quote Ghandi Be the change you want to see in the world Stop blaming even yourself and start changing. Changing YOU.
I know what youre thinking. How can I spend more quality time with my kids when all I can do is work to provide them with the things they need? Work, exercise, carpool, friends, work, kids activities, shopping, cleaning, the list goes on. I know!
First- You may not realize that it doesnt take a lot of time to make a child feel really heard and valued. Even if you cant make them your center of attention for hours a day, when they are your center of attention, make eye contact and really listen.
Second- Do something THEY enjoy if even for a few minutes.
Third- Make sure that you dont project your guilt about not having enough time on them. Meaning, dont huff or sound exasperated or exhausted at a request for your time or attention. Just calmly explain why you cant be available. Perhaps telling them that you wish you could, but you are trying really hard to earn enough money for that weekend away with them, or that toy they want, or just to pay the bills would help.
Fourth- If you are in a dead-end job that makes you miserable and robs you of your family time consider other options! We are in a new age here. A college diploma is great for your mind, but not so great for your pocket-book. The internet and information age give us so many options. You CAN find one that works for you. Find a job you love that allows you the time you desire with your family and the income to enjoy them. It is possible.
Fifth-plan your time with your family. Put it in your calendar. Just the fact that you consider time with your child or spouse important enough to prioritize will be a huge step in making them feel loved.
So, the bottom line is quality time. Its been said many times before. So, why havent things changed? I cant speak for you. Only you know what you can do and how you can do it in your life situation. But you can, and it will make a difference to your family and future generations. Think about it, and smile.
There is a case to be made for the cause of all of this being the breakdown of the family unit. As one who has come from divorced parents, swore she would never do that to her own children and gone through it herself I am not preaching. I can, however look back with the 20/20 hindsight vision and see what went wrong without blame, just as an observer.
Without going into all of my unpleasant personal details I will just say that the bottom line was family relationships. If a child grows up in a family that knows each other-and I mean really knows, meaning has significant conversations with them daily, that child feels secure. Sure most of us love our family members. But do we like them? Do we understand why they act the way they do? Do we know what makes them happy? Do we know what keeps them up at night? Do we know the kind of people they hang out with? Sadly, I would dare say rarely.
A child who grows up in a family who sends them to a sitter everyday will statistically speaking spend more time with that sitter than his own parents. After a child enters school, he will spend more time in school than with his family. And then at home how is that precious time spent? On the TV, video games, texting, doing homework?
A child from birth all the way through adolescence needs to feel secure, loved, needed, valued and understood. I dont see how this can happen in the typical family of our time. So many psychology studies and statistics show that if a child does not get those basic needs such as structure, discipline, attention and love in a way they can feel and understand it, they will continue to search for it throughout life. This may mean through drugs, sex, friends who dont have their best interests at heart, etc.
Im not even going to get into all of the repercussions of having parents who are addicts or abusive here! I will just state that they probably became that way because of the hurt they felt throughout childhood and havent resolved.
So, with this in mind, what is the cause of the lack of family closeness and what can we do about it? Blaming our parents the trend of the 90s sure hasnt accomplished much. I like to quote Ghandi Be the change you want to see in the world Stop blaming even yourself and start changing. Changing YOU.
I know what youre thinking. How can I spend more quality time with my kids when all I can do is work to provide them with the things they need? Work, exercise, carpool, friends, work, kids activities, shopping, cleaning, the list goes on. I know!
First- You may not realize that it doesnt take a lot of time to make a child feel really heard and valued. Even if you cant make them your center of attention for hours a day, when they are your center of attention, make eye contact and really listen.
Second- Do something THEY enjoy if even for a few minutes.
Third- Make sure that you dont project your guilt about not having enough time on them. Meaning, dont huff or sound exasperated or exhausted at a request for your time or attention. Just calmly explain why you cant be available. Perhaps telling them that you wish you could, but you are trying really hard to earn enough money for that weekend away with them, or that toy they want, or just to pay the bills would help.
Fourth- If you are in a dead-end job that makes you miserable and robs you of your family time consider other options! We are in a new age here. A college diploma is great for your mind, but not so great for your pocket-book. The internet and information age give us so many options. You CAN find one that works for you. Find a job you love that allows you the time you desire with your family and the income to enjoy them. It is possible.
Fifth-plan your time with your family. Put it in your calendar. Just the fact that you consider time with your child or spouse important enough to prioritize will be a huge step in making them feel loved.
So, the bottom line is quality time. Its been said many times before. So, why havent things changed? I cant speak for you. Only you know what you can do and how you can do it in your life situation. But you can, and it will make a difference to your family and future generations. Think about it, and smile.
About the Author:
Laurice has 8 children and has a home business so that she can have family time and money. She would love to show you how too.
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